In my Marriage Skills class at BYUI we were asked to share what we've learned through social media! I decided that I would share what I've learned through here and then proceed to share it on Facebook and possibly Instagram, just because I really think that it's important advice for anyone in any sort of close relationship. Sooo, here we go!
Interestingly enough this, is not going to be about how you should communicate to your spouse, significant other or person whom you're using this on but rather how you shouldn't communicate with them.
This specifically shows when you're in a disagreement with them. Ex: whither to go out and get a car-wash or to wash the car at home, whither to wait for dad to come home to eat dinner or not. Situations that come up not super frequently, but frequently enough that it can put a damper to a relationship, especially if not communicated in the right way.
Sooo, here we go! *The Four Horseman effect in poor arguments.
*reason why it's called a horseman effect is because they literally just "clip clop" their way into an argument
Horseman #1 Criticism
There is a difference between complaining and criticizing someone. A complaint starts with 1. how the person (who is talking) feels 2. a very specific situation 3. Here's what the person (who is talking again) needs/wants/prefers.
What you DON'T want to add into the conversation is things like, "you never..." "you always..." or just plainly saying "What's wrong with you?"
Here is an example of the difference between complaining and criticizing someone.
Complaint: "There's no gas in the car. I'm upset that you didn't fill it up last night like you said you would. Could you please fill it up tomorrow?"
Criticism: "Why are you always so forgetful? You never even do what I ask you to do! It's like you don't even love me!" etc.
Soooo, criticism. Don't do it. If you do want to address something, address it as a complaint.
What you DON'T want to add into the conversation is things like, "you never..." "you always..." or just plainly saying "What's wrong with you?"
Here is an example of the difference between complaining and criticizing someone.
Complaint: "There's no gas in the car. I'm upset that you didn't fill it up last night like you said you would. Could you please fill it up tomorrow?"
Criticism: "Why are you always so forgetful? You never even do what I ask you to do! It's like you don't even love me!" etc.
Soooo, criticism. Don't do it. If you do want to address something, address it as a complaint.
Horseman #2 Contempt
Contempt is a form of disrespect.
Sarcasm and cynicism are also forms of disrespect. Same with name calling, eye rolling, mocking, hostile humor, demeaning and be belittling.
An example of this would be if the wife goes out to a car wash rather than washing the car herself at home and the husband accuses her of being spoiled.
Making them feel bad and look like a fool WILL NOT resolve the issue, instead it will just make things worse.
It's more than just listening to each other. It's having respect for one another and realizing that they're human too and that their feelings get hurt as well.
Contempt is usually fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other person.
If you are thinking poor negative thoughts towards another person, you need to stop.
This in my opinion, is a form of hate rather than disrespect.
If you are feeling this way towards another person in any way, talk to God about it. Ask him for charity and to view the other person as he sees them. Don't let these negative thoughts simmer. Ever.
This is kind of where the next step in a bad argument comes in.
Sarcasm and cynicism are also forms of disrespect. Same with name calling, eye rolling, mocking, hostile humor, demeaning and be belittling.
An example of this would be if the wife goes out to a car wash rather than washing the car herself at home and the husband accuses her of being spoiled.
Making them feel bad and look like a fool WILL NOT resolve the issue, instead it will just make things worse.
It's more than just listening to each other. It's having respect for one another and realizing that they're human too and that their feelings get hurt as well.
Contempt is usually fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other person.
If you are thinking poor negative thoughts towards another person, you need to stop.
This in my opinion, is a form of hate rather than disrespect.
If you are feeling this way towards another person in any way, talk to God about it. Ask him for charity and to view the other person as he sees them. Don't let these negative thoughts simmer. Ever.
This is kind of where the next step in a bad argument comes in.
Horseman #3 Defensiveness
I was actually really surprised to hear this. I thought that if somebody was defending themselves that it was a good thing. But from this class, I've learned that it just fuels the fire in the other person rather than put it out. Hence why I believe that they try to teach missionaries, or at least they tried to teach me in the MTC and on the mission field to never bible bash. It'll always be messy.
I think when you are on the other side where the person is yelling at you, you don't have to agree with them but you can listen to them and let them know that you appreciate sharing their strong feelings and opinions with you.
I think when you are on the other side where the person is yelling at you, you don't have to agree with them but you can listen to them and let them know that you appreciate sharing their strong feelings and opinions with you.
Horseman #4 Stonewalling
This is usually the last step or process of a poor argument.
In a married relationship, it's usually the man who ends up coming to this conclusion.
After going into this same argument over, and over and over and over again for what seems like years or maybe even is years, the man will typically just give up.
He will go into what's called, stonewalling.
The women in a typical marriage relationship can go into this too but because of the difference in hormones inside of our bodies, it's typically the man.
This is what might typically happen.
The man comes home from work and the stay-at-home wife comes in barraging with criticism about any number of things. He responds by turning on the TV.
In a typical conversation the listener will usually be making eye contact, saying things like "Yep" or "Uh-huh", but when stonewalling comes into play, it seems like he's not paying any attention to the conversation.
By disengaging, to him, it seems like he's avoiding a fight but in reality, he's really avoiding their marriage.
This is why men usually go into stone-walling more often rather than women.
If there was a loud banging noise (like a gun-shot) about 100 meters away, a man's heart rate will usually beat faster and stay accelerated for longer.
Since why when a conversation turns hurtful, a man will go into stonewalling. He is literally just trying to protect himself. It is not because he doesn't care. It's because he's trying to emotionally protect himself.
In a married relationship, it's usually the man who ends up coming to this conclusion.
After going into this same argument over, and over and over and over again for what seems like years or maybe even is years, the man will typically just give up.
He will go into what's called, stonewalling.
The women in a typical marriage relationship can go into this too but because of the difference in hormones inside of our bodies, it's typically the man.
This is what might typically happen.
The man comes home from work and the stay-at-home wife comes in barraging with criticism about any number of things. He responds by turning on the TV.
In a typical conversation the listener will usually be making eye contact, saying things like "Yep" or "Uh-huh", but when stonewalling comes into play, it seems like he's not paying any attention to the conversation.
By disengaging, to him, it seems like he's avoiding a fight but in reality, he's really avoiding their marriage.
This is why men usually go into stone-walling more often rather than women.
If there was a loud banging noise (like a gun-shot) about 100 meters away, a man's heart rate will usually beat faster and stay accelerated for longer.
Since why when a conversation turns hurtful, a man will go into stonewalling. He is literally just trying to protect himself. It is not because he doesn't care. It's because he's trying to emotionally protect himself.
Soooo, what do you do? How do you avoid these Horsemen?
To be honest, the writer didn't really say how to avoid these arguments.
He did say though that it typically starts out with trust. Before the arguments even happen. He thought that by studying poor relationships and arguments that he would have the key to figure out how to have people avoid divorce all together.
But really, it's how couples who are already in a good relationship standing work it out.
1. Before the argument even happens, you've got to have a good trust, and a good friendship between you and your person. If you don't, take them out to dinner! Spend some time with them! Do something that will strength your bond with them. This can take up to WEEKS FYI. That way, once you feel like you have a tight relationship with them, you can bring up the issue and it won't even be an issue anymore.
2. If you are religions, pray for them. I can promise that it does help but you do have to do more than this.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations with them. Talk about politics (if it doesn't bring up contention) context with them on a person level, talk about their beliefs, interests, dreams and aspirations. Compliment them SINCERELY. Don't do it if you feel like you have to.
---my last word of advice would be to just TRY. Even if you don't feel like it.
It'll make you feel better in the end knowing that you were the first one to put effort forth into the relationship rather than waiting until you feel good about it.
He did say though that it typically starts out with trust. Before the arguments even happen. He thought that by studying poor relationships and arguments that he would have the key to figure out how to have people avoid divorce all together.
But really, it's how couples who are already in a good relationship standing work it out.
1. Before the argument even happens, you've got to have a good trust, and a good friendship between you and your person. If you don't, take them out to dinner! Spend some time with them! Do something that will strength your bond with them. This can take up to WEEKS FYI. That way, once you feel like you have a tight relationship with them, you can bring up the issue and it won't even be an issue anymore.
2. If you are religions, pray for them. I can promise that it does help but you do have to do more than this.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations with them. Talk about politics (if it doesn't bring up contention) context with them on a person level, talk about their beliefs, interests, dreams and aspirations. Compliment them SINCERELY. Don't do it if you feel like you have to.
---my last word of advice would be to just TRY. Even if you don't feel like it.
It'll make you feel better in the end knowing that you were the first one to put effort forth into the relationship rather than waiting until you feel good about it.
The End
Sooo, ya! Hope you have a wonderful day! Hope you don't get coronavirus and stay healthy with relationships and with everything else!
Love ya! Julienne 😊 ❤
Love ya! Julienne 😊 ❤